to Joelle Santiago's
here to play Pac Man. Press P to start or restart the game.
Use the arrow keys on
your keyboard to move the pac man.
A Good Old Boy took his son
fishing one day.
While they were out in the
boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He
asked his father,
"How does this boat
The father replied,
"Don't rightly know son."
A little later, the boy looked
at his father and asked,
"How do fish breath
Once again the father replied,
"Don't rightly know son."
A little later the boy
asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied.
"Don't rightly know son."
Finally, the boy asked his
father, "Pop, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied,
"Of course not my boy, if you don't ask questions, ya ain't never
gonna learn nothin'!"
Today's Joke: The new business..
A young businessman had just started his own firm.
He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He spotted a man coming into the outer office.
Wishing to appear the hot shot, the new businessman picked up the phone
and started to pretend he had a big deal working, flinging papers around
and talking big.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''And what can I do for
To which the visitor replied:
''Not much, I've come to activate your phone lines.''
Today's Joke: A History Lesson!
On my last trip to Canada, I had the rare pleasure of meeting the
leading historian of this great country. Out of curiosity I asked him how
their county got it's name.
Below is his explanation...
There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada.
You know," said the first explorer, "we should name this
place we're hiking through."
"I agree," said the second explorer.
"Great idea" quipped the third explorer.
"We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that."
"Okay," said the third, "I'll go first. C, eh."
The second said: "N, eh."
The first... "D, eh."
And now you know the story.
How do you know when a clock
When it goes back for seconds!
The REAL THREE BEARS
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and
the Bear family is
just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs
and sits in his small chair
the table. He looks into his small
bowl. It is empty. "Who's
eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits
in his big chair. He
looks into his big bowl, and it is also
empty. "Who's been eating
my porridge?" he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving
hatch from the
and yells, "For God's sake, how many
times do we have to go
this? It was Momma Bear who got up
first, it was Momma Bear who woke
up everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear
who made the coffee,
was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher
from last night and put
everything away, it was Momma Bear who went
out in the cold, early
morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was
Momma Bear who set the
table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat
out, cleaned the litter
box, and filled the cat's water and food dish.
And, now that you've decided to drag your asses downstairs and
grace Momma Bear's
with your grumpy presence, listen good,
cause I'm only going to
this one more time ... "I HAVEN'T MADE
THE PORRIDGE YET!!"
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he
was coming down the
aisle he would take two steps, stop,
to the crowd
(alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While
facing the crowd, he would
put his hands up like claws and roar. So it
went, step, step, ROAR,
step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
can imagine, the crowd
near tears from laughing so hard by the time
he reached the pulpit.
little boy, however, was getting more and
distressed from all the
laughing, and was also near tears by the
he reached the pulpit.
asked what he was doing, the child sniffed
said, "I was being the
A little boy opened the big and
Bible with fascination,
looked at the old pages as he turned them.
Suddenly, something fell
the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at
it closely. It was an
from a tree that had been pressed in between
the pages. "Momma, look
found," the boy called out.
"What have you
got there, dear?" his
asked. With astonishment in the young
voice, he answered: "I
it's Adam's suit!"
Six-year-old Angie and her
brother Joel were
together in church. Joel giggled,
talked out loud.
his big sister had enough. "You're not
supposed to talk out loud in
church." "Why? Who's going to stop
asked. Angie pointed to
back of the church and said, "See those
men standing by the
One Sunday in a Midwest city a
was "acting up" during
morning worship hour. The parents did their
best to maintain some
order in the pew but were losing the battle.
Finally the father
little fellow up and walked sternly up the
aisle on his way out.
before reaching the safety of the foyer the
little one called loudly
congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for
And this particular four-year-old
"And forgive us our
baskets as we forgive those who
in our baskets."
During the minister's prayer one
there was a loud whistle
from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was
horrified. She pinched him into
silence, and after church, asked:
whatever made you do such a
thing?" Gary answered soberly:
"I asked God
to teach me to
He just then did!"
One night Mike's parents
prayer. "Now I lay me
rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I
should die before I
that's one less test I have to take."
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she
could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed,
"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't
let me be late!"
As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting
her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself
off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray,
"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and
on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy,
if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make
me a better
boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first
boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he
calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says,
"That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says,
"I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of
paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the
men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way
his mother cooked.
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no
male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I
don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if
you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed
them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in
church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus
with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor
thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment
that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without
missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. A young man seemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the
week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said,
son what is the matter? He responded, "I have pain in my side. I
think I'm going to have a wife."
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think
about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you
know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He
took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid.
"This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have
to be observant
to color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his
mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the
good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they
dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any
you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second
finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth.
Todays Joke: The Smuggler.
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large
bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and
finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover
that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases
Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders,
and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have
you got?" "Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his
This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a
Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling
something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about.....I can't
sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
There were 11 people hanging
onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one was a
woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they
didn't , the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide
who would go, so finally the woman gave a really touching speech saying
how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were
used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving to men
and not receiving anything in return. When she finished speaking all the
men applauded. Never underestimate the power of a woman. Have a great
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I
have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic
snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" Came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a
man for you for your amusement."
What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad
traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give
you a hard time. But.... He'll be bigger, faster, and will
like to hunt and kill things. He will be witless and will
revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball
about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised
"What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well ...you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So
you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.
Just remember, it's our little secret...
You know, woman to woman."
very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge
with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and
fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not
ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to
go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted
lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened
the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the
lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down
to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his
dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in
forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made
her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and
they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of
the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that
cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit
calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the
mantel while he was scratching his fleas."
A mother was reading a book about animals to her
does the cow say?"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Mother: "And what does the pig say?"
Child: "Oink, Oink."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in Her
deepest voice replied, "Bud-wei-ser"
Q: Why is Six afraid
A:Because Seven ate (eight) Nine!!!
Do you know that a simple "Hello" can be a sweet one?
I received one recently from a friend.
Here is what it said:
The word HELLO means :
H = How are you?
E = Everything all right?
L = Like to hear from you
L = Love to see you soon!
O = Obviously, I miss you
It has made me smile every time I say hello since then....
so send this message to the people you care about
and say "Hello!" to them.
Lost on a rainy night, a nun
stumbled across a monastery and requested shelter there.
Fortunately, she was just in time for dinner and was treated to the best
fish and ships she had ever tasted.
After dinner, she went into
the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the
Brothers. The first one said, "Hello, I am brother Michael,
and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to
meet you," replied the nun. "I just wanted to thank you
for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever
had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
replied," Well, I'm the fish friar." She turned to the
other Brother and said "then you must be .....?"
"Yes, I'm afraid I'm
the chip monk."
priests were talking together and the older one said to the younger,
know, when you came into church with all your new ideas, I had questions
about how you were going to fit in and how well your ideas were going to
"When you wanted to put bucket seats down in the front two rows of seats,
had my doubts. But now, at every mass, the seats are filled up with young
people, so I have to agree that it was a good idea."
"Then, when you wanted to 'jazz' up the choir and we started singing
peppier songs, I was afraid it would offend the parishioners. Now, we have
lot of new, younger choir members, and the music seems to pick up the
services a lot more than the old music. So, once again I have to
agree that you were right!"
"But when you wanted to put in the drive-through confessional, I have
admit I thought you'd lost it. But now, at least, there are more
coming to confession than ever. I think you've come up with another
the neon sign out front that says, Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell has to go!!
A man is driving on the highway when
he sees a rabbit jump onto the
middle of the road. He slams on the brakes, but canít stop in time and
over the poor rabbit. The man gets out of his car, looks at the
starts crying. Minutes later a beautiful blonde passes by and sees the man
crying. She stops and he explains whatís happened, but before he can
she interrupts him and pulls a can from her purse: "Donít worry
this will get
him right up." She sprays the rabbit, which gets up, takes 3
jumps, and waves back at the 2 people. The rabbit keeps doing this until he
down the road. The man has to know whatís in the can, so the blonde
label: "Restores life into hair and adds a permanent wave."
Submitted by: Adrian V.
Two nuns were ordered to paint
a room in the convent and the last
instruction from the Mother Superior was that they not get a drop of paint
on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the nuns decided
to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the
nude. In the middle of the project, there came a knock at the door.
"Who is it?," called one of the nuns.
"The blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the
The two nuns looked at each other and shrugged. Deciding that no harm
could come from letting a blind man into the room, they opened the door.
"Nice butt, sister," said the man, "where do you want these
A man was in
his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box
and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(are you ready? ... this is a beauty ...)
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
How do you clean a
............ With a tube-a-toothpaste!!!!!!!.. Love, Aunt
Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown,
with a very bad attitude and even worse vocabulary. Every other word
was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the
least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly
saying polite words, playing soft music - anything that he could
think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and
the bird got even more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation,
Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and
screaming. Then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was
frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly
opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said,
"I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and
I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was
about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I
ask what the Chicken did?"
A little girl
was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah"
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
Why does it
always get hot after a baseball game?
Answer- All the fans left!
THE PASSAGE WE
HAVE NEVER SEEN
"...And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower
and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the
99-cent double cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her
figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth ice cream. And Woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and
olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would
not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat
and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips
swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMO's."
was visitors day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in
the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria." And singing it
Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it
rhythmically with a pencil.
A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached
the choir conductor. "I am a retired choir director," he said.
"This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."
"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour," said the visitor. "What are
"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They are
ideas for this page. Send to Gene